I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
