I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
