I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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