she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
