If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
