i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
