if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
