i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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