I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
