He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
