i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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