dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
