After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
