he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize