My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
