Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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