i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
