So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
