Cold hands, warm shart.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
