she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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