i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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