I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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