When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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