My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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