i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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