if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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