do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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