Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
