you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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