I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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