which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
