You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We had to coat check the pizza.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
