If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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