my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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