Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
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