I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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