you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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