Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize