What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
