The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
