There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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