im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I love how my cats smell like pot.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
