I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
