I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
