dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
