I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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