i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
