Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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