Someone shit on the floor
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
