you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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