How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Randomize
