There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
