I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
