watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
