just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
