Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
