Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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