you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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