I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
