I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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