I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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