Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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